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In my work with coaching and personal growth, I realize that a lot of us carry beliefs about the world, ourselves, and others, that can be boiled down to one root cause:
Worthiness. Or lack thereof.
I was always a person with a low sense of self-worth. I never really learned how to foster my self-worth until the last few years. Most of us didn’t grow up with role models who had a healthy sense of self-worth.
We can’t really teach to others what we can’t embody ourselves…
So I wanted to talk about this today. How worthiness affects every part of our lives, and how it’s the root cause for all of our behaviors.
Yes, every single thing we do is rooted in worthiness or lack thereof.
What is Worthiness?
Worthiness is your sense of love and belonging in the world. It’s you, at your core, being enough, without having to “prove” anything.
The minute we sensed a lack of love and belonging, or that others didn’t believe we were worthy, as children, that’s when we used an immense amount of energy to “prove” our likability and worthiness by playing different roles.
Below are some of the ways worthiness (or lack thereof) can play out in different areas of our lives.
Examples
Relationships. Let’s say you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you kindly. Or your needs are not being met in some way. We all have needs, and if we had a sense of worthiness, we would acknowledge and voice what our needs are.
Without a sense of worthiness, we diminish or hide that we even have needs, and worse, we tolerate bad behavior despite our needs not being met. We make ourselves “fit” into the problematic situation, instead of actually assessing the situation honestly.
Career. If we are feeling worthy, we might choose work that aligns with our soul, lights us up, and fulfills us in a deep and meaningful way. Asking yourself, “what is my purpose?” is a sign a of worthiness, even if you haven’t figured it out yet. You dared to ask the question.
But lack of worthiness might look like: making yourself “fit” into the job description, accepting a lower compensation than what you deserve, accepting poor treatment by either your boss or clients/patients, or staying in a job far too long when you know it’s reached its expiration date.
Your own business. Let’s say you’ve left a job and now you work for yourself. Worthiness looks like, I rest when I need to, I am safe and productive even when I rest. I know how to give myself adequate sleep. I work when my body tells me it’s safe to.
Lack of worthiness looks like: I can’t turn off, I can’t trust that my work will grow without me putting my grubby little hands all over it constantly, I won’t allow myself to rest or have a good night’s sleep, because I am letting my business run me, instead of the other way around.
Let’s move over to health. Worthiness looks like: I eat nourishing foods that align with what my body wants, I move in ways that make my body feel good and are sustainable, I allow myself to have a good night’s sleep. I even allow myself little treats occasionally because I truly enjoy this and it aligns with my body at this time.
Lack of worthiness looks like: I can’t turn off, I won’t allow myself enough rest, I rush through my meals because of my need to be productive. I push constantly and don’t listen to my body’s cues. I do addictive things that are not good for my body (like smoking or too much screen time). Most of this is unconscious.
Personal Interactions/Roles: emotional caretaking/rescuing (taking too much responsibility for other people’s feelings/taking on their problems), overgiving, overachiever tendencies, saying yes when you wanted to say no, people-pleasing of any kind…. Indicates a lack of worthiness.
We have put our worth into something outside of ourselves (usually in an effort to gain love!) which wasn’t really aligned with our true selves!
Most of This is Unconscious
Most of this was learned in childhood when we grew up in stressful or dysfunctional environments. We either consciously or unconsciously learned that a specific behavior was more approved of.
For example, if we embodied overachiever tendencies, we were rewarded in some way (usually with love and approval) and that pattern follows us into adulthood until we learn to rewire our brains and break the pattern. Same with any of the roles mentioned above. And I also want to say, it’s not your fault that you learned to be this way.
Unfortunately, these are not the most helpful of coping habits and invite a variety of abusive situations (self-abuse or otherwise) into our fields. I’ll be talking more about this in my upcoming course on breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse (for empaths).
Personal Example
I just finished a 21-day challenge for growing my business (I’m learning how to do the challenge through my coaching academy, in case it’s needed with my clients). But the “challenge” made me want to work balls to the wall to get the most stuff done. That’s the point, right?
I felt this sense of “frantic-ness” like I have to expand and grow and constantly do things during this challenge. Well, I found myself burning out and needing the usual amount of rest that I need.
Only when I paused and assessed could I see how I have put my worth into proving I could do this challenge in a certain way. My self-worth is always there (underneath), but I was abandoning my body’s wishes to finish something outside of myself. And I felt awful about it!
Once I was able to recognize this and rewire my brain, I was able to slow down and take my usual breaks, and feel good about it!
It’s a wonder what manifests when you take a rest and feel good about it!
It’s so easy to take old habits from the old world and impress them onto new chapters. But these habits don’t work for a reason, and they’re not sustainable!
Worthiness is a Spectrum
We’re all on the spectrum and there is no final destination. There’s just a graded meter that moves along as we heal and grow and learn to respect and love ourselves more and more.
So in what areas of your life can you learn to foster your own worthiness?
Thank you so much for reading, listening, and following along with me! It means so much to me. Have a wonderful week!
I’m hoping to get the empaths-narcissists course out to you by the end of the month 🙂 It will be an audio course with a journaling book and a couple of powerful, healing meditations 🙂
Sending so much love!
Angeli
“When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”
~ Brene Brown
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PS - like I mentioned above, I will go through with making the empaths-narcissists course on healing the pattern for good! I hope to get this out to you by the end of June!! Thanks so much for all of you who voted!!!
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