Greetings beautiful soul! And welcome back :)
Today we’re going to talk about how to stop seeking validation from other people. This is such an important topic, because it happens more often than we’d like to admit.
This post is for you if:
You notice that you do seek validation from other people
You’re tired of placing your happiness in other people’s hands
You’ve tried to work on this in therapy or on your own and you’re still struggling
You’re ready to take back your power and have peace of mind
You’re willing to try something new
Why Would You Want to Stop Seeking Validation from Other People?
When we seek validation from other people, we give our power away and end up disappointed and sorely unhappy. We also never actually get what we want, and even if we do, we’re only happy for about 3 seconds, before the feeling goes away and we’re stuck feeling empty again and yearning for more. Seeking validation or approval sends us on an emotional rollercoaster.
When you stop searching for external validation, you get to take your power back, love yourself unconditionally, be free, and have peace of mind.
Sounds wonderful, right?
My Story with Seeking Validation
My first awareness that I was doing this was when I was spiritually awakening after finishing pharmacy residency, several years ago. Up until that point, I felt my whole career depended on the approval of my preceptors.
It was like, if I received positive feedback, I was elated! And if I received criticism, I was crushed. It was only after finishing residency that I realized how much my worth depended on what other people thought of me.
When you realize you are doing this in one area of your life, you are likely doing it in other areas, too. For example, I could see how I was seeking my parents’ approval at that age, too…
Years later, when I quit my job in 2022, after telling my parents about it and seeing how disappointed they were in me, I realized just how much working in pharmacy had to do with their approval. I was crushed again.
Where Does This Behavior Come From?
Childhood! As young people, we looked to and depended on our caregivers for love, safety, and support. If we received appropriate and unconditional love, we were good, and eventually learned the world is safe and we can open our hearts. It’s okay to be who we are.
If we received conditional love, it meant we received love and approval only when we behaved in certain ways. It was unsafe to behave or be any other way, and we felt rejection when we did. And so the cycle continues as adults where we seek approval from others to validate our safety and worthiness underneath.
It’s easy to continue this behavior, unknowingly.
I’ll give you one more example. In Sri Lankan culture, marriage is so important. It’s like the number one most important thing you can do as an adult. It can feel like you’re a nobody if you haven’t gotten married. For a long time, there was a part of me that believed that if I found my partner, it would be “proof” that I was finally lovable.
And yet again, here is another condition.
You see, when you learn conditional love from others, you start placing those conditions on yourself, too. “I’ll be lovable when…. I lose 10 lbs… I get married… I make $100K…” etc., etc.
Even if you get married and get some type of approval for that, what’s next? What about kids? What about the next thing? And the next thing? It’s a never ending cycle.
You’re chasing your tail at this point!
How to Stop Seeking Approval from Other People
I’m going to walk you step-by-step from feeling desperate for validation to coming into your own wholeness and authentic power.
Step 1: Awareness
You need awareness first to change anything. Where in your life are you seeking approval? Where are you giving your power away? Where are you worrying about what other people think of you? Without that information, you’ll continue doing the same things over and over again, unconsciously, and expecting a different result.
Step 2: Reformulate Your Thought Patterns
Byron Katie has developed a wonderful technique called The Work (You can read about this in I Need Your Love - Is that True?). The first four questions in her process help you loosen your grip on any stressful thoughts or beliefs you might be having. But the last part is called, “The Turnaround” and it looks like this:
Let’s say you’re having a thought like, “I need them to see me as lovable.” The turnaround would be, “I need me to see me as lovable.” Wouldn’t that be more true?
“I need them to love me and accept me the way I am.” —> “I need me to love me and accept me the way I am.” More true, right?
Last one: “ I need them to get off my back about marriage.” —> I need me to get off my back about marriage.” (lol)
Do you see how you’ve internalized this conditionality and applied it to yourself?
The mind is a tricky thing! It’s always distracting you from what’s real. If you do this work, you can untangle your thoughts and see that you are the source of love you were looking for.
Furthermore, your parents’ lessons are not your lessons. Maybe they didn’t love you the way you wanted, but perhaps their lessons don’t involve loving you the way you want, now. Maybe it’s something different for them. You know?
Which brings us to the next step:
Step 3: Realize that you are the source of love you are looking for.
You are the unconditionally loving parent, best friend, lover, and partner that you were needing. Yes, it’s tough not be loved unconditionally as a child, and it sets you up for years of healing & therapy if you weren’t. But it’s also reversible and it empowers you to learn self-love on a deeper level.
But if this is too hard…
Step 4: Remember your Divine Creator loves you unconditionally.
There is a Source of unlimited love that loves all of you, including your flaws, and all your conditioned behaviors. It loves you for all eternity, no matter what you do. It’s always available to you, and guess what - it’s free!!!!
You Are Lovable, You Are Enough
You are already lovable, just the way you are. Right here, right now, you are. You don’t need anything on the outside to change for this to be proof. Like Londrelle says in his song, Love is Free - “When you got love, you got nothing to prove.”
Proving energy only comes from lack. If you are already enough (which you are), there’s no need to prove anything.
You are Love Incarnate. Period. There’s nothing you can do to change that fact.
What Happens When You Do This Work?
The irony is, as you learn to love yourself first and make yourself a priority, you start to see others treating you that way, too. Ten years ago, my grandma, who lives in Australia, wanted me to get married so badly. She would tell me, “I’m waiting for you to get married so I can die.” I was only 26! At the time, it felt like a lot of pressure.
Now, my 90-year-old grandma says the same thing, but I see this as her way of genuinely wanting to see me happy in a relationship. We talk every month on the phone. This month, she called me and asked me if I was dating. After going on a slew of bad dates, I said, “No I’m taking a break.” And she said, “When the timing is right, it’ll all fall into place.”
It wasn’t until I mentioned this to one of my beloved friends, also not yet married, that I realized it was the first time someone in my family, 1-2 generations above me, had ever said something supportive like that.
And that’s happens when you do this work. I didn’t need her to change her behavior or say that, but it was really nice when she did. When you don’t need other people to love you a certain way, that’s when you’re in the best position to receive their love.
Wrap-Up
I hope this post helps you see that you are worthy of your own self-love. Your own love and acceptance trumps anybody else’s validation. And it sets you free. You won’t need anyone else to validate you, because you are the source of your own love.
Now you get to see others differently, and love them the way that they are.
Isn’t that what you wanted in the beginning anyways?
As you do this work, other people may start to give you love in new ways that you could never have imagined! And even if they don’t, you won’t need it anyways!! You’ve got you, and you’ve got Divine Source, and that’s all you’ll ever really need…
I love you and have a wonderful week :)
If this post was helpful, please leave me a comment!
If you’d like to take this deeper, sign up for personal coaching/mentoring here.
Lots of love,
Angeli
“Seeking love and approval is a sure way to lose awareness of both. You can lose the awareness of love, but never love itself. Love is what we are. So, if love is what we are, why do we look for it so hard, and often with such poor results? Only because of what we think– the thoughts we believe that are not true.“ ~ Byron Katie
PS - Are you looking for your life’s purpose? Do you wish to learn, grow, and expand in a group setting? Do you wish to add meaning and fun to your work? Would you like to make a bigger contribution to the world? Hit reply on your email and I’ll send you the deets. Looking to start in January, after the new year :) I only have 3 spots left. Thanks so much!!
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