How to Stop Attracting Unavailable Partners!!!
Plus, a poll
Greetings beautiful souls and welcome back ⭐
I’m doing something new. I’m trying dating again! Ahh. This post is for the women or long-time singles in the group who keep attracting unavailable partners!
A bit about me…
I’m the child of immigrants. My parents are from Sri Lanka, and they were resident physicians when me and my brothers were born in the UK.
After I was born, my dad stayed home for 1 week, before returning to work. He worked long and unpredictable hours well into my adulthood.
I’ve come to realize that his going to work, even though he loves my mom dearly and has always stayed with us, has created an abandonment wound for me. See this post below for what the abandonment wound is about.
3 Ways The Childhood Abandonment Wound Shows Up in Romantic Relationships
Hi everyone! Welcome back, and welcome to our newcomers. I’m glad you’re here :)
I’m reading this book right now - How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud. I’m learning a lot about dating from this book.
The truth is, dating has always been a struggle for me. I’ve found it to be disappointing at best, and triggering at worst. For these reasons, I’ve spent a lot of time single and not dating.
According to the book, without practice, the “muscles” you’d use to flirt, connect with, exchange numbers in dating, as well as meet up with the gender you’re attracted to - they’re lost. It’s good to practice dating because it can help you grow into someone who feels more confident with this.
I also have a story.
With the guidance of this book, I decided I would talk to more men with the intention of getting a date (simply to chat). I went to a tacos place near me for breakfast and found a cute guy. We had a great conversation! I knew he wasn’t gonna be my husband or anything, but still I asked him if he’d like to have coffee sometime.
He hesitated, then said yes.
So I said, “You hesitated. Be really honest.” And he said, “.....yeah, let’s do it” in a high pitched, non-convincing voice. So I said, “You’re still hesitating. Be really honest.” And he went on to say, he is dating around, he doesn’t do coffee, and I’m not his type…
So I told him I’d prefer he was honest right now instead of later, and he appreciated that.
But personally, I would like to spend time with people who want to spend time with me, without hesitation (which is why I pushed for his honesty).
This cute guy is clearly unavailable and non-committal, and he’s the one I picked to talk to. So clearly there’s a pattern here that needs healing.
And this is why I wanted to write this post. If you struggle with this too, you are not alone!
It’s not your fault you keep attracting unavailable partners. And although this pattern can feel like the worst thing in the world, it is fixable and healable, with the right steps.
Here Are 7 Steps To Healing The Pattern of Attracting Unavailable Partners
Identify what you are turned on by. When you are turned on or getting attracted to something that’s not right for you, or you keep manifesting people who are unavailable, that’s a clue that you have a wound from childhood that needs healing.
Apply the pattern you’ve found backwards to childhood. Feel your feelings. There was an unmet need here that the primary parent of the gender you’re attracted to (in my case, my dad) wasn’t able to meet. He wasn’t available to love me the way that I wanted, which created the wound. You have to feel all the feelings that your inner baby and inner child felt, (hurt, anger, disappointment, rage, etc.) and release them. Also, don’t forget to love and forgive your parents.
Be the primary parent to that inner baby and inner child. You have to love your inner baby and inner child to fulfill their unmet need. That’s the only way it gets resolved. They might not feel worthy of that type of love at first. They only think they’re worthy of what they received, which is how this pattern was created. So you have to instill worthiness in them, so that they can receive your love.
Love yourself in that same way. (“I am available to love myself”)
Acknowledge that you now have a limiting belief about men (or the gender you’re attracted to). This is extrapolated from whatever pattern was created with your dad or parent. “Even though I believe men aren’t available to love me (instead of dad), I still love and accept myself.”
Reprogram your subconscious to now believe that you are worthy of having men (or insert gender here) love you and be available to you (because you are also now available to love your inner baby/child, as well as yourself). You’re not gonna believe you’re worthy at first (because of past experiences). So you have to teach yourself that you are worthy of this.
And lastly, you have to tell yourself you can attract an available partner, or that it’s safe/familiar to have one, or that there are multiple available options, etc. You have to believe you can have it and it’s natural and safe for you to have it now. You have to believe that by dating, you are getting closer to it.
Bonus (optional): Teaching yourself you can have available love from your dad (or mom). Because why not fix the relationship?
I use EFT tapping to do this. I’m self-taught, and I use my intuition.
And there’s layers to this. There might be patterns around commitment, consistency, safety, or lack thereof. There might be sub-beliefs, like I don’t believe men want to pursue me (because my dad didn’t pursue me, he pursued work). Or not feeling chosen (he chose work over me). Or love is not reachable for me (because he was not reachable to me).
And on and on it goes…
What You Think About Men Is What You Think About Dating.
The other curious thing I discovered is whatever beliefs I had about men, I had about dating. Dating is unavailable. Dating never gives back to me. Dating is painful, shocking, and scary. Dating always lets me down. Dating is abusive and traumatic.
No wonder I’ve been avoiding it!!!
Moving through this healing can be extremely painful. It’s maybe the hardest work I’ve ever had to do. But as you do this work, you start to release these old wounds and you feel lighter, more whole and complete, and better overall.
Then you can change your beliefs about dating. Dating doesn’t have to be scary or traumatic. It can just be a thing you try to increase your new connections and visibility and to feel more comfortable with men in a dating setting. Perhaps it can be an opportunity for spiritual growth and self-knowing.
And then you can start to believe that, oh dating can be fun. I can attract wonderful men to talk to. I can attract men who prefer exclusivity over multiple partners or non-commitment. I can be visible and seen by men and still be safe. I can go on some good dates with good people! I can have generous love.
And on and on it goes…
And then who knows where that will lead you?
Using Your Outer World to Study Your Inner World
Whether that is through dating or something else, when we take the time to notice what’s happening in our outside worlds, we get to make sense of what’s happening on the inside. When you see something unwanted happening over and over, you have an opportunity to uncover the patterns lying beneath and heal them, which allows you to grow into a newer version of you that does attract wonderful people to talk to and date!
I didn’t realize how important making time for dating really is until now! Now it feels like, oh duh! And as I move through this, I’m trying to be kind to myself and not beat myself up too much over this. I’m also using my brother as my accountability partner to not give up on dating too soon! Another pattern I’ve had.
I hope this post was helpful to you. This was maybe my hardest post to write. I cried several times, but something told me to write it anyways.
Pep Talk
It is not your fault if you have an abandonment wound!! They show up in all kinds of ways. It is not your fault if you keep attracting poor partners. Once you know better, you can do better. This pattern is painful, yet healable. You have the ability to grow through this, so that you can enjoy your dating & romance life.
You’re worthy of enjoying dating and romance!!!!!
I wish you so much luck on your journey!
And Appa - if you ever do read this, you are the best father I could have ever asked for. Thank you for loving me and being my best spiritual teacher <3
Lots of love,
Angeli
“An empowered sense of self-love means you truly love and accept yourself as you would a treasured lover or a sweet, wonderful child, and that you do this from a place of strength of character and belief in yourself.” ~ Amy Leigh Mercree
PS. How are you? What do you need help with? Hit reply and I’ll write you back! Lots of love
PPS. PLEASE TAKE THIS POLL!!! For those of you who still feel stuck, burned out, or dissatisfied at work…
Thanks so much! This helps me to serve you better :) Lots of love ~ Angeli