Greetings spiritualists and welcome back! :)
In last week’s post, we talked about how to ask to get your needs met and create conscious connection using the techniques from this book: Nonviolent Communication. Highly recommend a read!
Today, we will talk about how to express and receive appreciation effectively using techniques from Nonviolent Communication.
According to Marshall B. Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication, compliments are a way to show appreciation. However, they can be vague or confusing, revealing little about the person who has complimented you.
Normally, a compliment is meant to be positive. But when someone says, “you inspire me” or “I loved your post about…” that’s so sweet, but there’s information missing about the speaker’s feelings and needs. Because of this, Rosenberg calls compliments “life-alienating communication”.
With his technique I’m about to show you, you can create more understanding and connection when being complimented or complimenting others by asking about the person’s feelings and needs, thereby generating even more connection and purpose in your conversations!
How to Express Appreciation/Compliment Someone
There are 3 ingredients to expressing appreciation effectively.
What You Did: when you thank someone for doing something, being specific about what they did, helps the other person understand what was genuinely enjoyed by you.
What Need Was Met: we talked about needs in the last post. We all have them!! Needs can be basic physical needs like food and shelter, but can also be interdependent ones like closeness, acceptance, or emotional safety. When you thank somebody for something, letting them know what need of yours was met can really help describe fully what is it is they do or did that contributed to your well-being or the betterment of your life. Plus, they learn more about you!
How It Made Me Feel: this is the icing on the cake. After expressing the first two components, telling someone how what they did made you feel, allows the other person revel in your positive feelings with you. Now they get to celebrate what just happened, creating a whole n’other level of connection!
Here’s an example: “Thanks for doing that.” Notice the lack of specificity, feelings, and needs. A better way to state would be:
“Thank you for booking the appointment! I feel happy that you remembered and wanted to go with me.” (This was to my cousin).
What My Cousin Did: booked me a nail appointment
What Need of Mine Was Met: feeling remembered, spending time with her
How It Made Me Feel: happy
It’s only a few extra words, but expressing my feelings and needs made me feel closer to her :)
How to Receive Appreciation/Compliments
To receive appreciation, it’s the same ingredients as above, but the feelings and needs would be flipped.
To review:
What I Did
What Need of Yours Was Met
How It Made You Feel
For example: last week, I received a compliment from my spiritual bestie, Kay, about how interesting last week’s post was and how she wanted to practice using nonviolent communication in her life.
Already, that’s so awesome. Taking things a step further:
I said, “I’m so happy that you found this interesting. What need of yours was met? And how does it make you feel?”
And she said, “I feel empowered to make adjustments in how I communicate. I used it to practice on past conversations I had in a previous relationship, and I hope it makes me better at communicating my needs in the future relationship.”
Breaking this down:
What I Did: write a blog post
What Need of Hers Was Met: learning how to communicate her needs
How It Made Her Feel: empowered!!
Now that I have all the ingredients, I could feel so delighted for her empowerment!!! That’s a wonderful feeling after having written a long blog post about something that also really mattered to me. I could receive her appreciation fully, and celebrate her for getting her needs met :)
Another Example
A friend of mine, Caroline, had asked me about meal prep - do I do it? Yes. And I volunteered, “I don’t necessarily try to meet ‘protein numbers, etc.’ when I do it. I’m too vata for that.”
And she said “I’m glad this came up.” That’s a compliment right there :)
So I took it further and said, “What made you feel glad? What need of yours was being met by what I said?”
She responded and said, “Confirmed inspiration to prep food, but not the full expectation of prepping meals. Just ingredients. I think this will give me enough motivation (to start meal prepping again).”
Breaking this down:
What I Did: talked about meal prep in a way that was low-pressure
What Need of Hers Was Met: A little boost/inspiration to start meal prepping again
How It Made Her Feel: glad!
Do you see how the extra information helps me to understand what I even did to help her? I would have never known this info if I hadn’t asked! It also helps me understand my friend on an even deeper level - what needs of hers are being met.
Now I can feel delighted and celebrate her for her new inspiration to start/continue healthy and organizational habits!
Why Does This Matter?
In taking the extra steps to understand others’ feelings and needs when they have expressed appreciation to you, one is able to connect more deeply with others, increase their understanding of other people’s needs, and even celebrate themselves for the gifts they are offering to others. All of those things are hugely important and increase closeness.
It also encourages people to recognize and accept their needs, because many of us (especially women) were so often conditioned not to have/express needs in order to self-sacrifice for others.
A Meta Thought
If we knew what impact we have on other people by asking about what feelings and needs of theirs are being met, wouldn’t we figure out our life purposes even more quickly and easily? We’re essentially here to serve others, right?
Wrap-Up
Learning to express and receive appreciation, done in a conscious way, creates connection and celebration between two humans who just want to understand each other better.
Thanks to these techniques, I feel so much closer to the people in my life, and I am so grateful to my friends and family for allowing me to practice with them and use examples of our conversations in this post.
I hope this is of service to you too!
Thank you so much for reading and learning with me!!! Special thanks to Marshall B. Rosenberg for creating this book!
Sending so much love,
Angeli
“Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one and the same. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
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