How to Ask For Your Needs To Be Met and Create Conscious Connection in 4 Simple Steps!
Greetings spiritualists and welcome back!! 🙂
I’ve been DYING to talk to you about this book I just read: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
This book is a revolutionary guide to communicating in conscious and compassionate ways to increase connection between you and others, as well as get your needs met.
Sounds great, right? The best part? It’s super simple!! Anyone can learn this. After reading this book, I’ve been practicing using it in almost all my conversations, and it has led me to greater fulfillment in conversation with others 🙂
Beneath Every Statement is a Feeling and a Need
All of us have needs, and probably none of us were taught to tune into our needs as young people. We just didn’t have the vocabulary, or maybe it wasn’t viewed as an essential thing to care about. Same with feelings. When we were young, feelings just weren’t valued the way they are now.
But that doesn’t mean they aren’t important or that we can’t learn the vocabulary to be able to communicate in conscious and even ways.
I will share that I've always been afraid to talk about my feelings with others for fear I’d get shut down. It’s happened a bunch of times, so I can sometimes keep my feelings close to my vest, so to speak.
Have you ever been shot back, “You have not right to feel ____” or “You should just be grateful…?” This does not create a safe space for feelings.
But, there’s a heavy burden in not expressing our feelings. It creates disconnection in relationships and a feeling of loss or confusion.
However, when you share a feeling connected to a need, it validates and creates space for the feeling, between you and the the person you’re communicating with.
How to Communicate Feelings
When you communicate a feeling, your statement has to be “I feel” followed by the actual feeling.
I feel sad. I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel surprised. Etc.
It can’t be “I feel that you” or “I feel like this…” or even “I feel like”...
Because those are evaluations, and are likely to lead to the other person feeling judged and defensive.
Similarly, it can’t be an interpretation of what another person is doing to you: “I felt rejected by you”. Stick with the feeling itself.
Feelings When Your Needs Are Being Met vs. Not
Our feelings can indicate to us if our needs are being met or not. If your needs are being met, your feelings will likely feel positive. If your needs are not being met, you will likely feel negative.
Here are some examples of feelings (when your needs are met): amazed, appreciative, calm, cheerful, confident, eager, enthusiastic, pleasant, peaceful, relieved, satisfied, secure, sensitive, surprised, thankful, touched, warm-hearted
Here are some examples of feelings (when your needs are NOT met): afraid, alarmed, anxious, ashamed, brokenhearted, dejected, depressed, disappointed, discouraged, embarrassed, fatigued, guilty, frustrated, helpless, hurt, impatient, jealous, lonely, mad, nervous, pessimistic, reluctant, resentful, sad, scared…
Examples of Needs *not all-inclusive*
acceptance, appreciation, closeness, consideration, emotional safety, empathy, honesty, love, respect, reassurance, support, trust, understanding
When You Want to Make a Request to Get a Need Met
You have to sandwich your feeling and need with an observation and a request. The observation should come first, and the request should come last.
Observations Come First
Observations have to be stated as a behavior. Again, not an analysis of the behavior.
Example: “When you forget to pick up your socks” vs. “When you’re a sloppy pig”. LOL
One is focused on behavior, the other is the analysis of the behavior, which will lead to shutting down again.
Request Comes Last (It’s a Sandwich!)
Then your request needs to be a semblance of “Would you be willing to….” This is a good way to request, because it tests the willingness of the person to try.
What comes after “willing” has to be a clear, specific, action that the person needs to take. Something you can see and measure demonstrably.
Example: “Would you be willing to listen while I talk?” vs. “Would you be willing to repeat back what I just said?”
You can demonstrably measure if someone has heard you correctly with the latter, but you can’t really measure the former.
So Let’s Put it All Together
Here is an example of an observation, a feeling, a need, and a request.
(Observation) When you vent to me about your friend, (Feeling) I feel overwhelmed and startled (Need) because of my need to get my sensitive energy ready to receive you. (Request) Would you be willing to ask for permission before you start venting?
Isn’t that so easy and fun?!? It does take practice to communicate in this new way, but I assure you, it will create so much more connection. Because now others know what your needs are, and we don’t have to be ashamed about having needs!
One More Thing… Empathic Listening
Now that we know every statement has a feeling and need behind it, when you are listening to someone say something, you can offer empathy by repeating back to them, “Are you feeling (insert feeling here) because of your need (insert need here)?”
Example - someone said to me, “Can you believe I had to communicate 10 times to these contractors to get the job done right??”
The feeling is (or could be): frustration, maybe irritation
The need is (or could be): clear communication when paying for an expensive job
Putting it together: “Are you feeling frustrated because of your need for clear communication when paying for an expensive job?”
Another example: “I rented a car to go on vacation this time because last time I felt stranded.”
The feeling from renting the car this time is (or could be): satisfied
The need is (or could be): autonomy when traveling
Putting it together: “Are you feeling satisfied with renting the car this time because of your need for autonomy when you travel?”
I received back yes’s for the above examples.
Even if you guessed wrong, you still create connection by demonstrating care for the other person.
Example (Friend): “I was up all night working on my business stuff”
(Me): “Are you feeling tired after not getting a good night’s sleep?” (notice the feeling + need!)
(Friend): “Actually I feel fine because I had coffee.”
So even though I guessed wrong, it invited this person to tune into her feelings and correct me. Without any harm.
The Implications of Empathic Listening Using Nonviolent Communication
When you speak to people in this way, you’re demonstrating that you were paying attention to what they said, as well as showing care for their feelings and needs. If you guessed wrong, they’ll simply correct you and still feel your care for their feelings and needs.
If you’re talking to someone who is not in tune with their feelings and needs, using these statements of “are you feeling… because of your need….” invites them to pause and consider their feelings. Maybe they hadn’t considered their feelings and needs before this. And this helped them get there, easily and effortlessly.
*For the empaths in the group*: instead of absorbing what they are not allowing themselves to feel, you are creating a boundary and handing over the responsibility of feeling their own feelings and getting in touch with their own needs.
Wonderful, right?!?!?!
Wrap-Up
I’ve taken an entire book and summarized it into a few short paragraphs and examples about what you can do to ask for your needs to be met and how to empathically listen to others. Recommend reading this book for a deeper understanding!!
For the last few weeks, I’ve been practicing listening for feelings and needs as much as possible. It really does create more connection and understanding between two people.
Sometimes, I feel like we talk “at '' other people instead of “to” them, like a competition of stories. “Oh yeah, well mine’s worse!” Or we think what we’re saying is related to what someone just said but it really wasn’t, creating disconnection.
This technique is the liaison that can help elevate your conversations and deepen your bonds with others. I hope this was of service to you!
Next week, we will talk about expressing and receiving appreciation effectively, according to Nonviolent Communication 🙂
Thanks for reading! Have a great week! I’ll be in sunny, warm Miami after a very cold snap in Nashville 🙂
Love,
Angeli
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Are you wanting to up-level your life but are finding yourself stuck? Check on my newest e-book on Releasing Limiting Beliefs!! A simple self-study tool designed to set you up for success for life by releasing the blocks that keep you stuck, and reclaiming who you really are. Your birthright is to achieve your dreams, and I am here to help you :)
And whenever you are ready, here are my other self-study tools intended to be of service to you on your spiritual path!
E-books and courses! Enhance your money mindset, manifest like crazy, and follow your intuition! Lots of discounts here :)
Dream Journals on Amazon! Enhance your intuition, receive profound messages, connect with the spirit world, unlock your subconscious!
What else do you need help with on your spiritual path? What are you wanting to learn? Message me (reply on email) and I can create blog topics to help the group! Thanks so much!