Greetings everyone! Welcome back 🙂
I am feeling really called to talk about this topic today - being single. In a culture that historically has overvalued the couple, this is an ode to anyone who is single, has been single, or is likely to be single in the near future.
I’ll also just mention that I do think society is accepting singles now more than ever, but there is still some celebration to be done here.
When I was in my mid-twenties (weird to think this was almost a decade ago), I was single during a time when many of my friends had gotten married. I was happy for them, but I felt left out in my journey that didn’t look like theirs.
I’ve been “shamed” many times for being single. I had a friend once tell me she didn’t see me with anyone (crushed when I heard this!)
The same friend insinuated that anyone above 27 who was still single was “immature”.
I’ve been on multiple dates where I was asked, “Why are you single? What’s wrong with you?” or better yet - “Why are you dating me? What’s wrong with you?” Lol
When I bought my house in 2020, service workers/installers came to the house asking me, “where’s your husband?” (Never mind the job they were hired for!)
I know what you are thinking – how dare these people!!? Rude!!
I would agree with you, but honestly, I think life was mirroring back to me the way I felt about myself.
Being the daughter of South Asian parents - marriage is so important. We are encouraged not to date until all of a sudden - boom - 26 and you should be married by now. It’s hard to live up to those standards. I definitely used to feel the pressure.
What I Know Now
To me, it doesn’t matter if you are single, married, divorced, widowed, or something else. There is always a valuable opportunity to learn who you are and honor your true essence.
In other words, every path is equally valuable.
Life will always present us with opportunities to learn and remember the truth of who we really are.
Life will also show us where our weak spots and triggers are, so that we do the work of healing our past and any limiting beliefs surrounding these traumas and thereby live more freely.
Doing so is remembering your wholeness - the path to self-love.
Lessons from Being Single
When you are single, you are ripe with the opportunity to return to yourself and honor your needs. You get to discover what you like and dislike, without the influence of others. You get to make the decisions, call the shots, and be your own boss.
Based on our own conditioning, we may have picked up unhealthy habits and expressed those in relationships. I’ll speak to some of my own. I was always an overgiver and accommodator.
I’d downplay my own needs for the sake of the relationship. I didn’t like this about myself (something I needed to heal), so I felt happier on my own (a sign of ultra-independence, which is just another trauma response).
I also had poor personal boundaries. With poor boundaries attracts people who don’t respect your boundaries, a toxic combination.
I didn’t know how to tune into my own inner knowing. At all. Which led me to make some pretty precarious choices, to please the other person.
The Benefits of Being Single
But by far the best part about being single is using this time to reflect and heal. It has given me a chance to rekindle the relationship I have with myself. To heal the parts of me from the past, and to be my own best friend.
When we cultivate a sense of inner peace and love with ourselves, it opens up space for us to be in peaceful and loving relationship with others - romantically, or otherwise.
I’ve learned to set boundaries, which means I tend to attract people who honor my boundaries (for the most part).
I’ve also learned a lot of everyday skills that have helped me greatly. How to soothe my inner child, inner teenager, and release limiting beliefs. How to recognize when I’m triggered.
On a more earthly level, how to buy and maintain a house. How to stain the deck, fix the toilet, maintain the yard, and plant gardens. How to train the dog too.
I’ve also had to learn how to ask for help. I can’t reasonably do everything alone, so sometimes I do ask the neighbors for a hand with something, or to borrow their tools. Luckily, they always oblige me. I have really good neighbors.
Being Single is A Gift
Being single means learning to love yourself unconditionally. It means giving yourself the love you didn’t quite get as a kid. Getting to honor and process your emotions unapologetically. Making space for yourself. Realizing you are your number one priority.
In doing so, you cultivate your own authenticity and open yourself up to the most aligned friendships and relationships. You can accept others because you are doing the work of accepting yourself.
Sometimes we treat being single like a temporary destination (or disease!) that we so desperately need to move away from, but it can actually be the greatest gift if we choose to see it through the eyes of presence and love.
Besides, if you are unhappy in your singledom, it’s very likely you’d be unhappy in a relationship. No one else can fulfill those feelings of lack.
So if you are single, I invite you to see the joys of it all. It is helping you to grow into your best, most authentic, and Highest Self.
After all, the love that you are seeking is already inside of you.
Y’all have a great week!
With love,
Angeli
“I am grateful for the love that I have for myself” - Angeli Sivaraman’s affirmation for the week
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Loved this post! I, too, have a tendency to facilitate to the point of not knowing what I want when others are around. I’ve always made the biggest growths when single. Realizing you can make that same growth in a relationship feels like good confirmation of the diminishing tendency.
Thank you for sharing, Janahan! Love the self-awareness here and that you’ve notice immense growth when single! Of course, you can definitely apply these same concepts when in relationships too! That’s what makes them even better 🙂