Signs of Unhealthy vs. Healthy Love
Greetings spiritualists and welcome back! 🙂
I came across this Ted Talk on Youtube video recently by Katie Hood on the signs of unhealthy vs. healthy love, and I thought it was really interesting so I wanted to share. Of course, now I've made my own list and wanted to share that :)
We all come into this life knowing how to love as pure, baby souls, and as we grow up in this world, we’re not really taught all that much about love.
So much of what we were shown growing up in movies and media was the intense, twin-flame type of love. The impossibly dramatic breaking up and getting back together. The dysfunctional romantic love that somehow magically works out!!
None of us are perfect, and 100% of us will make mistakes in love and relationships. That’s just what being human means.
And while love can be related to romantic relationships, it can apply to any type of relationship. Friendship, family, or anything else!
I’ve been in enough unhealthy relationships in the past so I think I can speak to these 🙂 so let’s get started!
Here are some signs of Unhealthy Love:
Intensity: The pace of the relationship can start and progress really fast, and possibly outside of your comfort zone. But I’ve also found it can be like an obsessive form of attraction, almost like you’re addicted to the other person. And I believe our obsessive attractions are really a pull towards our disowned selves/shadows. Once we integrate these shadow parts, we’re no longer attracted to the same types of people.
Isolation: this sign can be found when you are in a relationship with someone who pulls you away from your support system, so that they are the only person you spend time with. Or, they only hang out with you alone, and never invite you to hang out with their friends or family. So you are only one small aspect of their life.
Belittling/Manipulation/Gaslighting/Emotional Shutdowns: In this one, manipulative behavior keeps you stuck where you are. Maybe your partner makes fun of you. Or they talk you out of your dreams. If you bring your feelings and needs to your partner, they shut you down, deny your pain, and act like you’re overreacting, which leaves you in silence.
High Levels of Criticism: often masked as “wanting you to be better”, this can leave deep emotional scars. Criticism is not love! You know what is? Being accepted for who you are already!
Volatility/Lack of Safety: This is the sign of an emotional rollercoaster within a relationship. Perhaps you fight, break up, then get back together multiple times. Or, you’ve revealed something vulnerable about yourself, and they blow up and use it against you. Followed by promises that it will never happen again.
Punishment: Like all humans we make mistakes, but if people are holding it over your head, isolating, withdrawing love, or scapegoating you, wanting you to “repent and change”, that’s not healthy love.
An Unspoken “Contract”/Sense of Control: in this one, there is this sense of “you owe me” or you need to fulfill my sense of lack. Or you need to check in with me at a certain frequency that on the surface seems innocent enough, (“I’m only asking because I love you”) but is really a reflection of the person’s need to control the other person to their liking. Intentions matter!
Once again, none of us are perfect and it’s very possible that in our lives we have also ourselves modeled these behaviors, past or present. It’s really easy to go unconscious, especially when you are triggered. So please practice self-compassion 🙂
Here are some signs of Healthy Love:
Safety: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual safety. Meaning you can express all parts of yourself and still be accepted. Safety is really important in relationships, so trust your gut with whomever you are with!
Trust: you have to be able to trust whomever you are in a relationship with! It’s an absolute must. When issues arise, you have to be with people who trust your word, actions, and intentions. And vice versa.
Equality: Each person in the relationship is treated as an equal and divinely sovereign individual. Each person has an equal say and is able to speak for themselves in individual decisions as well as joint ones.
Mutuality: Both people are receiving beneficial and fulfilling exchange from the interactions. Being in relationship with that person aligns with each soul’s values.
Respect: respect for boundaries and self-growth. Allowing room for change.
Honesty: space to express yourself, your feelings, and your needs, and being received openly and with love. When difficulties arise, there is an openness in communication to be able to find a great solution that benefits both parties.
Independence: a healthy sense of independence among each party. It is important to be able to stay connected to the things and people you loved pre-relationship. It’s also great for each one to encourage the other to stay up with their hobbies, social plans, and dreams.
Permissible Self-Care: each person in the relationship respects and honors the other person’s need to take care of their own needs.
A Great Friendship!! Every great relationship has the feeling of a great friendship, no matter what shape or form the relationship takes!
Understanding is the first step to improving. But, like everything, it is a practice! Hopefully these lists help you understand if you are in healthy relationships or if something needs adjusting. No relationship is perfect. And while we can’t always save every relationship, we can do our darnd’est to make the ones that matter to us count!!
I hope this post helps you in some way!
This might be pre-emptive, but I feel like one day I’m gonna write a book on love 🙂
Would you add anything to these lists?
Thanks for reading!! Sending you so much love on your relationship journeys!!
Love,
Angeli
“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.” — Neale Donald Walsch
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