How to Overcome Perfectionism
From a recovering perfectionist to you.
I am a recovering perfectionist.
I was so deep into perfectionism, I couldn’t even see it. And I was in denial about it!
I didn’t know I was a perfectionist until my brother pointed it out to me, about 5 years ago. I’ve been on the road to recovery ever since.
How do you know if you are a perfectionist? There are a few tell-tale signs. For one, if you are a high achiever. But also, if you are someone who is slow or unwilling to show others your work, for fear that it won’t be good enough.
For me, I was a high achiever and always so ready to point out the negatives of any situation. No matter how well something went, I’d always focus on the mishap or imperfection of a situation. Evolutionarily speaking, that was helpful when we lived amongst saber-toothed tigers. But in our modern world, that thinking precludes us from enjoying about 90% of life.
The problem with this thinking is that you stay trapped in a cycle of trying to reach an unattainable outcome.
Perfectionism is a trick of the ego. Ego tell us, “If I strive for perfection then I am striving for the best possible outcome”. Which doesn’t sound so insidious. But really perfection robs us of joy. It makes every task seem like it’s never good enough and thus we can never be happy with ourselves or those around us.
Perfection is like comparing a yourself, a beginner, to master skill level on the first try. It’s unfair.
It’s like telling a child making macaroni art that their art isn’t good enough. Would you do that to a child?
So why do we do that to ourselves?
Up until semi-recently, I believed I needed to be perfect to be loved. And I bet I’m not the only person who has believed this! Which is wild to think about. Who in this world is perfect?!
The gifts of each and every one of us truly lie in our imperfections. It’s the imperfections that make us human and relatable. And cute! Often, our imperfections and shortcomings lead us to a greater purpose: to teach others how we managed and how to thrive now.
In the online writer’s world, one of the sayings is, “hit publish when it’s 80% good”. And I actually agree. At some point, we have to put down the pen or paintbrush and say “done”. Because otherwise we would never move forward to create more art or experiences. We would stay stuck on the same project, ideas, or situations, ruminating, never allowing ourselves to grow past it.
How does one work on their perfectionist tendencies? These are some ways I’ve found to be helpful:
Write down everything you’ve done “right” today. Do this every day. It can literally be anything: Woke up, pooped, brushed my teeth, walked Rocco (my dog), ate breakfast, made tea, journaled, meditated. Wrote this article. 9 things from just this morning. Fill up the whole day with things you did. What you’ll find is this teaches your brain to focus less on any of your “mistakes” and more on the bigger picture. Additionally, it shows you that showing up is enough, and you don’t need to be perfect every time you show up.
Make a “Success” chart. Three columns. On the left side, choose an activity you are planning to do. Let’s say rake the backyard. In the middle column, set a “goal” for what percentage of how well you predict you’ll complete the job. Don’t pick 100%. Start low, let’s say 20%. Then do the activity and rate yourself (right column). I bet you will still hit 75-95%. Which is still really darn good. Especially because raking leaves is hard! What this exercise will do is show you that even when you shoot for a low success rate, you’re probably still performing at a high level. It also teaches you not to shoot for 100%. Repeat this for any non-binary activity (ie., changing light bulbs is somewhat binary, so don’t choose that as an activity). See how this makes you feel!
Be kind and forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. It’s part of growing and part of being human. If we never made mistakes, we would never grow. Your imperfections are what make you so unique and rich with life experience. So give yourself a pardon! You deserve it!
Perfectionism also blocks us from having true connection. People don’t want to be around robots. People want to be around you!! So please embrace that :)
The truth is, the more we love ourselves as we are, the easier it becomes to overcome perfectionism. Because then we are removing all that “striving” energy. Think about how much energy you’d save!
Remember, perfectionism is a trick of the ego/mind. It’s an illusion, and you don’t have to live up to the hype.
Perfectionism and joy are inversely correlated.
You are perfectly imperfect for a reason!! You have so much to offer the world! That’s why you’re here!
Do you struggle with perfectionism? Have you tried any of the above activities? Have you tried something else that helped with your perfectionism? Please write in the comments! I’ll love to hear from you!!
Sending so much love,
Angeli
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“Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again.” - Julia Cameron
References:
Burns, David. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Mass Market Paperback: 1999.
Cameron, Julia. The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. Tarcherperigee: 2002.
Brown, Brene. The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing: 2010.
To be honest, I'm such a perfectionist that I'm terrified of what would happen if I stop. But you actually made me realize that I have accomplished a lot in just one morning, so maybe it won't be that bad.
Fellow recovering perfectionist here!